I am Chuck's whore.

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 23:46:48 GMT

I've been thinking a lot about stereotypes lately.

So, I'm taking this Health Class. It's an "Easy A" requirement for my AA. We've had to discuss relationships and sexuality. I've realized, that no matter what way you spin it, I live an alternative lifestyle. My heterosexual relationship more accurately resembles a homosexual relationship. Gay or lesbian, or whatever. What matters more - the fact that I'm female and Jason is male or the fact that neither one of us fits male or female stereotypes?   While I'm clearly a woman and he is clearly a man, within the confines of our relationship we are more accurately two androgynous bisexuals. We don't fit into our respective gender roles, and we actively shun them. Jason is just as likely as I am to wear a dress. And that turns me on!! And if we use the strap-on...I mean, just think of the possibilities.

On the other hand, can I claim an alternative lifestyle while enjoying all the comforts of a heterosexual relationship? It doesn't seem fair. I can't exactly cry inequality when my boyfriend and I have the right to marry if we choose.

Interesting topic...more on this later.

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 03:11:12 GMT

Jason is reading a book by my favorite author, Chuck Palahniuk. And I am reading a book by his favorite author, Tom Robbins. It's geeky-sexy.

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 20:18:27 GMT

It's time to start cleaning house...in a figurative sense. I'm probably going to create a new journal. I want to make all new friends. And I don't want anyone I know in my real life to ever read it. It will be fabulous. And this sounds awful, but I'm making a conscious decision to stop caring about people who aren't worth caring about. There have been a few instances in the past couple weeks that have made me realize who my true friends are. And they are priceless. And I love them. But there are some people in my life who just bring me down. And, frankly, I can do without them.

Everything is wonderful. Life is great. This will probably be my last entry here. I'm happy. Be happy for me.

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 20:11:46 GMT

I have to leave very soon to go pick up Jason, But I wanted to jot down this thought.

I'm really high. And I have to start making some entries "Friends Only" because I once told Jason that he could read any of my journal entries. Because there's nothing I'll write on here that I wouldn't tell him. I don't have any secrets from him. But lately, as I've been very frustrated and angry at times, I need to censor him from that. Because we'll talk about it later, but I don't want him to read my venting on livejournal.

Anyhow. I'm starting to kind of understand certain things about Jason. I think he has what I think is called the "Little Man" complex. Like, he tries to be excellent at everything to make up for certain things. I think that's right. Like, both his brothers are wonderful musicians and talented artists. And Jason has the artist thing, but doesn't play music.

Whoa, I gotta go. I hope I can pick back up on this later.

I don't like playing the weepy girlfriend role.

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 00:00:28 GMT

Last night I cried in Jason's arms. I spilled my guts to him and he said almost nothing. He listened. I asked him, "Please, please don't defend yourself. Please just listen to me." And he did. Quietly. Attentively.

I apologized for pulling him away from his work. He's been on that fucking computer for 6 hours a day at least. Editing. Computer Effects. Working on that fucking movie that's been in production for years and Mike Ryan says they're going to resume filming in January. And, oh fuck, it will never end. He's listed in the opening credits as a producer. I'm torn between wanting greatness for him, and wanting happiness for me. It is a big deal for him. It's his name on a movie. An Indie Film.

But I'm lonely. I live with him and I'm lonely. Because he's either at his paying job, helping his mom grade papers, or on that fucking computer. And me? Nothing. I have nothing going on in my life. Yeah, I'm taking two classes at a fucking community college. But other than that, nothing. I clean while he's at work, and I watch movies while he works on the computer. I'm just lonely. I miss him. I miss the time when we worked together at Borders and things were new and great. I miss the time after we got fired, and we fucked all day. We celebrated each other then. We lived for each other then.

I'm trying to be okay. And I really was sorry that he had to stop what he was doing to comfort his weeping girlfriend. I told him, "Don't worry about me. Just do what you have to do. I'll be okay." He stayed by me all night. And then I seduced him. And then I felt really awful about myself. Why, when I feel neglected, do I insist on having sex? On one hand, I want to be close to him, I want to feel him, I want to be connected. But it's like I'm ignoring my emotional health. Or something. I'm not really sure.

But I'm scared. I'm scared that all of this is driving him away from me. Giving him more and more evidence that we aren't meant to be together. Because I can't deal with that fact that he's a workaholic.

I'm finding comfort in a blossoming friendship. Kyna. We live similar lives. We love similar people. Mike and Jason are very different in a lot of ways, but they're brothers. 1 year apart in age. Jason will turn 27 about 20 days before Mike turns 28. And I'm about 6 months older than Kyna. She'll be 20 on Christmas eve. Mike works full time, and on days that the boys are gone, we keep each other company. I'm spending more quality time with her than Jason. And even when Mike is around, the three of us hang out. We played Scrabble last night. Without Jason.

She is a wonderful companion. And I told her we should ditch the boys and run away together.

Yesterday sucked

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 18:40:05 GMT

Yesterday was shaping up to be a great day, but it failed around the time I got home from class. Lauren had called while I was at school and left a message saying that she wouldn't be able to make it for Scrabble but next week sounds good. So, no Scrabble, but that didn't mean that Jason and I couldn't have a great time.

The drive home was torture. I chose 5pm to start my 20 mile commute to San Pedro, and it only took me an hour. Bad traffic, and idiotic drivers. But I was coming home to see Jason and that was great because it was his first free night in almost a week, and we were just gonna hang out, eat dinner, get high, have sex. You know? It was supposed to be good. But it was so, so bad.

I got home and was hungry. Jason wanted to clean the kitchen a little and make Gnocchi (or something that I've never had), and I had preferred to make something quick, fuck the kitchen. I'll clean it tomorrow. And then we'd have more time to spend together. So, we started out with a small disagreement, but we weren't about to let that spoil the evening. We made our own food. I had a tuna sandwich and Jason had cereal.

And then we: watched some "Robot Chicken" on DVD, smoked some weed, and Jason taught me how to play chess, kicked my ass, but we were having fun, until...

He wanted to play another game, but I was over it. So we decided to go to Sunken City. It's this place in San Pedro where the ground had collapsed (during an earthquake or something) and it created this sort of canyon. He wanted to walk there, but I preferred to drive. We drove.

While we were there things really started to go south. We were both quiet. Neither of us were talking and so I asked, "What are you thinking about?"

He said, "Finding a job...in Houston."

I told myself to remain calm, because I decided a long time ago to let this happen. Don't fight Houston, Sara, you wont win.

I said, "You know, you could go online and see if some graphic design companies are hiring, and you might even be able to fax or email your resume. I mean, you could start looking for a job before you move."

And then, it all hit me, and I was overcome with a sense of complete loss and hopelessness, complete sadness. And I started crying. We stayed there for a while longer, not really talking. Me crying. Until I turned to Jason and said, "I'm ready to go."

At home, we endured about 4 hours of complete emotional break down. I can only remember certain things that were said. Not all of it, and I'm not ready to think about all of it, because I'm not ready to cry again like that. I need time to recover.

Even after we went to bed, I couldn't shut my mind off, couldn't go to sleep. And so I cried, shaking, hyperventilating, wailing, bad cry. Bad, bad cry. And Jason held me, said almost nothing. Except, "I love you" and "It will be okay." I rolled over to face him, hugged him tight, kissed him. Just small kisses at first, then passionate. Soon, we were ripping off each others clothes, frantically. And we had the most emotionally charged, intense, passionate sex of both our lives. I was stunned.

I don't know what else to say.

And today, I was supposed to job hunt. But I look like I've been crying all night. I look like an alien. My eyes are so swollen.

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 20:37:12 GMT

I have to go to class very soon and find out what I got on last week's Antro test. I'm excited.

This morning Jason and I went to the grocery store and he was introduced to super-scary-fast-shopper Sara, who will run over your FUCKING FOOT with her SHOPPING CART if you don't GET THE FUCK OUTTA HER WAY because she has CLASS IN AN HOUR!

Ok, that was a little dramatic, but I'm really hyper and super happy today because it's game night and that means SCRABBLE. And I kick ass at Scrabble.

I'm Floundering

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 21:59:59 GMT

I'm kind of fucking up.

School is okay. The current semester is definitely fine. However, I do need to figure out what I'm going to do next semester. I need to talk to a counselor, because I may need to change my path. I might decide to go for an AA, rather than transfer out of LBCC. There are several reasons for this, one being I might not attend university in California. With an AA, I can go anywhere. And at least I'll have some sort of degree while I figure that out. So, I need to talk to a counselor soon, so that I can figure out what I need to take next semester. And I need to register soon.

School is my number one priority, but if I don't figure out my finances soon, I'll be late on my next car payment. And I already owe my parents about $1,500. For one car payment, towing expenses, $500 for the remainder of the down payment. And I can no longer work at Toys R Us. I fucked it up bad. So I need to go find a job. And I need to make $300 by the 15th of next month. It doesn't seem like a lot. But I don't have anything right now.

So the plan is to apply at a few places that I would like. Trader Joe's and Barnes & Noble. Depending on how long the hiring process will be, and how promising it is, I may have to apply at a shitty job to get me through this month. Like, Taco Bell is hiring. Oh god. Taco Bell. That's awful. But I'm determined to make it on my own. I HAVE to. I wont ask my parents for more money. Because I chose to move out. I chose to live on my own. And I chose to buy a brand-fucking-new car. It probably wasn't the smartest decision I've ever made. But I need to be in a place where I don't regret buying a car I LOVE. I LOVE my car. But it's expensive.

So I've set a few goals.

1. Make my car payment next month.
2. Start to pay my parents back.
3. Have a job and a paycheck...all the time. No long gaps with no job.
4. Maintain my sanity and a clean apartment.
5. See a counselor and register by next week.

What does it look like he's kissing?

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 08:57:04 GMT

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 08:52:53 GMT

My car got towed on Saturday. It sucked. I woke up at 7, started to get ready for work (I was scheduled at 9), looked out the window, and didn't see my car. I didn't see any of the cars that were parked out there the night before. And then I remembered seeing the temporary no parking sign a few days ago. It had stated that any car parked here from 4am to 1pm Saturday would be towed. They had some foot race down 22nd street. And my car got hauled away.

The worst part is either that I couldn't get my car out that day, or the fact that I totally fucked my new job at Toys R Us. I didn't like it anyway, but now I need a new job pronto. I couldn't get my car that day because I don't have the registration form. It was stolen with a bunch of other crap outta my car and I never got a new one. Never could go get a new one without my mom because it's registered in her name. And so I have to wait until Monday.

Jason was working all day Saturday (a double shift), and so I spent the first part of that day in a really shitty mood, and the second part getting really high. Mike and Kina, Jason's brother and his fiance, well...they rock. They got me really stoned, bought me ice cream, took me to Target where we got munchies and DVDs, watched some movies, and let me borrow their car to pick Jason up from work.

At the end of the day, I was very, very grateful. I feel so lucky to have awesome friends. They made my day not suck so bad.

This is an aweful entry. I'm gonna go to sleep now, cuddle up with Jason. I love him.

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 01:43:15 GMT

I don't feel that great. Maybe I should eat something, but my parents have sworn off carbs, and so there are several half meals in the house. You know, lunch meat but no bread. And I have absolutely no money to run and get something.

Now I'm just waiting for my laundry to dry...and then I'll be outta here. Back home to Jason.

I'm nervous to even write this. I think I may have some sort of hormonal imbalance. Or a mental illness. Something that would explain the crying fits I keep having. Jason thinks I'm supressing something. Because when he asks what's wrong. I tell him, I don't know. And that's pretty much true.

Petsmart

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 07:51:04 GMT

So, is it Pet's Mart or Pet Smart?

But I think we'll get through it...

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 19:02:02 GMT

I need a nap. I'm emotionally worn out. I need to go see a movie. I need to read for a few hours. I need to escape from my life for just a little while. Because being me...it's exhausting. And a lot of times, it's painful.

Last night was the first time I considered breaking up with Jason. To put me out of my misery. To retire from my full-time job of constantly wondering when he'll leave me. I'm extremely insecure in this relationship. Because there's so fucking much at stake. And I just kept thinking, it would be easier for me now. Because if in the near future I love him any more than I do now...and then he leaves me...I just don't know how I would survive that with my heart intact.

So here's the verdict. Jason now knows (and I knew this would be the case when he returned from his trip) that he wants to move back to Houston. Not a doubt in his mind. "Great," I said, "so lets do it." But it's not that simple. He doesn't know if I should go with him...yet. It's too early in the relationship to tell...but we are living together. It's just...it's risky. The move alone could make or break our relationship. It could be too stressful. I could be incredibly unhappy there. And he could decide that I'm not what he wants. And then what happens? I'm alone and living in Texas.

I understand his apprehensions. I really do. But I'm optimistic, and he's jaded. I'm the third girl he's been in love with. And he's my first love. He's had two relationships fail while both parties were in love. And who's to say it wont happen again. He doesn't know that. And that's the perspective he sees everything from. It just hurts...it hurts sometimes.

So after a very long and exhausting discussion, a lot of tears, tender kisses and hugs, and about 5 cigarettes between the two of us, we settled on a few reasonable agreements. First of all, we keep our line of communication open and honest. We need to know where we stand. We need to be emotionally open, and emotionally available to each other. No bottling up our fears, our concerns. I told him to actively prepare to move. Save money. We'll take it day by day. And if along the way he becomes ready to make that kind of commitment, I'll go with him to Texas.

I just hope he realizes how much he'd be throwing away.

I am so pathetic.

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 07:41:43 GMT

I really, really am. I'm sad, and crying because my boyfriend/best friend/roommate is in Houston for four days. And I miss him sooo much. I miss him sooo much that I add extra oooo's on the end of sooo. Ok, that was lame.

But what's even more lame is the fact that I just spent 30 minutes staring at Jason's myspace page. LAME! I've already read all his blogs, looked at all his pictures, read all his comments, and info. And I just sat there staring at it. Like I was waiting for something to happen. But nothing did. Except that my sense of dignity dropped about 4 notches.

All silliness aside, I do really miss him. I dropped him off at the airport at 5 this morning. And then I spent 30 minutes trying to get back to the freeway. The Burbank Airport is kinda stupid. Or maybe I am.

He called me when he arrived at his hotel room. I told him not to worry about checking in with me. "Just have fun," I said. But now I'm wishing I hadn't said that, because I really want to hear his voice right about now.

I know that some aspect of this has to be "healthy" for us. Because this is the longest we've been apart since we got together, and I am getting a lot done while he's away. But...it's hard to sleep when Jason's not lying next to me.

One thing that has come out of this...if Jason decides he still wants to move to Houston (and this trip may be a deciding factor), I am going with him. I know that now. And furthermore, if he wants to go, I will encourage it...because I want nothing more than for him (and me) to be happy.

"Stuff" update

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 17:43:28 GMT

I don't update anymore. And it's because I don't have constant access to a computer. So when I feel like writing, I have nothing to do it on (I'm too good for paper). And when I sit down in front of a computer, I feel emotionless.

But I'll give you this. A brief update. Just a few things I've been thinking about lately.

After three interviews, a drug test, and a week's worth of finger crossing (fucking drug test), Jason got that security job in Long Beach. It pays well, and the hours are good. I'm very happy for him. But part of me - the selfish part - is kinda bummed. It's full time, plus overtime. And how much time does that leave for us? And we're falling into this sorta husband/housewife routine. He goes to work, and I take care of all the domestic stuff. Feed the cats, clean the apartment, buy groceries, make dinner, do laundry. I know it wont stay like this. Once he gets back into the routine of working a 40 hour week, he wont be too tired to help out.

And now I have to find a job. Which will leave less time for all the necessary stuff to get done. And less quality time together. For a while, it was really nice...us both being jobless. We had some really amazing sex...and conversations. Last night, after we made love, we just smiled at each other like idiots. We held each other, and exchanged sweet words. I love you. I am so happy. You make me so happy. And I started to cry a little because I was so overwhelmed with positive emotion.

Earlier this week, I decided to cut my hair. Which is a big thing for me. I hadn't cut my hair in 6 years, and it was well past my waist. Jason cut his hair drastically shorter on Monday. By Tuesday night, I was 100% sure that I wanted my hair gone. I braided the bottom two-thirds of my hair, handed Jason the scissors, and asked him to cut a half-inch above the rubber band. The braid was necessary because I'm going to donate it. And just like that, I'm less two-feet of hair.

Yesterday Jason and I visited Borders to see some of our old co-workers. (And to show off our new haircuts.) I miss those guys. :(

But the good thing about this is that I'm making a point to build positive friendships. I'm seeking out people I want to see more often. Like Drew and Lauren and Kiana from Borders. After Jason and I got fired, everyone was kind of afraid to make contact. People thought we didn't want to hear from them. So us going into Borders every once in a while reinforces to them that we still like them, and we still care. We hung out with Lauren on Tuesday. And we're making plans with Drew and Kiana for next week. I'm even re-building old friendships. You know, those people from high school that I see a couple times a year? I'm gonna make an effort to hang out with them more often. Starting this Saturday, I'm hanging out with my three best high school buddies.

School is going well. I got an A on my Anthro midterm. And I have another midterm tomorrow.

And...I've started to identify (mostly internally) as bisexual.

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 22:25:07 GMT

I keep freaking out on Jason. Fits of emotional hysteria and crying. I'm having trouble not crying. He's great about it. He holds me, doesn't care that I get drool/snot/tears on his shirt. Begs me to talk to him about what's bothering me. What did he do? Is there anything that can make me feel better? And he usually crys too. Because he hates to see me so upset. I apologize for being a basket case, he tells me, "DO NOT apologize for your feelings. They're valid. They matter." Says, "I'm a horrible person."

But he isn't. What has he done that's so bad? Fell in love with me when he had plans of moving out of state. But I knew he wanted to return to Houston before we even kissed. And I let it happen. I wanted it to happen. Wanted to pursue a relationship with him despite it all. We didn't know we would fall in love. Didn't know I would move in so quickly. Didn't know I would want to spend the rest of my life with him. Be his wife. Give up California for him. Didn't see it coming.

But it happened. And I have no regrets whatsoever. I love my life with Jason. But I'm confused. And sad. And on my period. And therefore very VERY emotional. So emotional in fact that I'm having trouble thinking about this in any kind of rational way. I think about it - I cry. And I can't stop crying until I force myself to stop thinking about it.

Last night I told him that I didn't want to cry anymore. He walked across the street and bought chocolate ice cream. We ate a little, and then he held me tight while we watched "The Lord of the Rings." When I got sleepy, we stopped the movie. Made love. And we fell asleep stuck to each other, the result of sweat and extreme closeness.

This morning I was feeling frisky...but he's still getting over a cold. He was actually having trouble breathing. I asked permission ('cause I didn't want to kill him), told him to relax, climbed on top, and rode him until we both came.

Rushed entry.

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 18:29:32 GMT

My parents have this evil cat. He's a nightmare. He's just not very nice. But I feel really sorry for him right now. Because yesterday, he had his nuts cut off. And he has a cone on his head. It's really sad. He keeps dragging his ass all over the carpet to try to relieve some post-neuter itch. And he just pissed on the floor, right in front of me. It's like he was saying, "I'm pissed. You clean it up."

So much to do. So much on my mind.

My car got broken into last night. Pissed me off. They didn't damage the car at all. But they took everything that was inside the car. About 15 CDs, my MP3 player, my biology textbook, my makeup, my checkbook, the owner's manual to my car, and my registration. It's like they cleaned it out completely. So I need to get a copy of my registration and a new insurance card. And I cancelled those checks.

Jason and I had some serious talk time last night. Serious.

Topics discussed:

-Did I move in too quickly?

-Is he or isn't he moving to Houston?

-If so, am I coming with him?

-We need some quality solitary time.

-Which kitten are we keeping?

It was all very exhausting.

Totally unrelated, but...I love giving Jason head.

Jason has a job interview, and I need to go meet my mom for lunch.

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 01:15:03 GMT

I can't post a detailed eloquant update about any one or two specific things because there are too many things right now. Too many things. And: I'm at my parent's house. Jason is sick in our bed, in San Pedro, 20 miles away. And I only want to get back to him as soon as possible. With orange juice, and cookies.

I haven't updated in so long because Jason's computer still has no internet. Get this, I'm living without the following amenities that my spoiled suburban self is used to: internet, TV, washing machine, dryer, dish washer, microwave...and some other shit as well.

We got fired on Wednesday. Both Jason and I. We got canned. Because Borders doesn't like their employees sexually satisfied. So begins yet another job hunt. Looking for a job is my least favorite thing to do. I think we'll be okay financially. We have rent paid up through October - same goes for the car payment.

I bought a small, cheap bookcase. Because even though we don't have money coming in, I want to spend some of our free time making the apartment cozy for us. I've basically moved into a bachelor pad. And I would like to make it somewhat girl-friendly. Especially if I ever want my parents or friends to visit.

So now I shall return. I hope Jason is feeling okay. Maybe we can clean tonight. Put that bookcase together. Make room for my desk.

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 19:18:46 GMT

I haven't updated in a long time - not that I haven't wanted to. Jason's computer has been down for a while. I'm at my parents house now. NOT going to my biology class. NOT taking the first test of the semester. I'm such a spaz for so many different reasons. Had I decided to take this test, I wouldn't have scored anywhere close to my standards. I would eventually drop the class, because it's not worth trying to dig myself out of a hole. I've already missed 4 classes. I'll do the usual and excel in the classes I decide to see through to the end. I'm not in a hurry.

I've been feeling very contemplative lately. Been thinking a lot about life. Been spending a lot of time with Jason. And have realized how difficult it can be to maintain a relationship. How if you're not careful, you could end up slipping away from that person. Falling out of love. Because with work, and school, the apartment, chores, the kittens...it's hard to find time to spend together without ignoring something else. That's kind of been our problem lately.  Oh, the dishes didn't get done again last night, but we had amazing sex.

I don't think I updated about this because I couldn't get online, but Jason provided me with the best sex of my life last week. It was Friday. We went to Hollywood to see his brother perform at Universal Studios. We were getting ready to come back to San Pedro, but his mom lost her car keys. After searching for them for an hour, we all just got in my car and drove back. We went to Mike (Jason's brother) & Kina's (Jason's brother's live-in girlfriend) place to get spare keys for Annie's (Jason's mom) car and apartment. Then I stayed and got high with Mike & Kina (medical marijuana is awesome), while Jason took Annie back to Hollywood to get her car. We waited up for Jason to get back for a while, but Mike & Kina gave up and went back to their apartment (next door to ours).

I was asleep for about 15 minutes when Jason climbed into bed with me, naked. I was naked as well, in anticipation of his return. He wasted no time. I woke up to him sucking my nipples. Teasing me with his tongue. He covered my entire body with tender kisses. I was still half-asleep. Waking up slowly. Wondering if I was dreaming. He went down on me. After my second orgasm, he fucked me. He fucked me good and hard. He watched me cum, said, "That was beautiful." Afterward I told him that it was the best sex of my life. It was. And it was just regular, straight, kinkless sex. But it was awesome.

So last night, I got to repay him. I went down on him for at least a half hour. Everytime he was close to cumming, I backed off. I wouldn't let him cum. I wanted it to last as long as possible. When I finally let him cum, he screamed out in ecstasy. He told me that it was the best, most intense orgasm he's ever had. And asked, where do you learn how to do that? And: what did I do to deserve that? I take it as a huge compliment. Especially coming from a queer guy, who has both given and received blow jobs.

We're different

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 05:11:23 GMT

My relationship with Jason is not a "normal" one. Not in the cultural context of the United States. Our relationship is so far outside of social norms, that...that I feel the need to tell you all about it. Let me be your case study.

Ok, ok. I'll open with a joke, so maybe this wont be so boring to you. What do lesbians bring on a second date? A suitcase. The idea is that lesbian couples move quickly into co-habitation.

The first week Jason and I dated, I slept at home one night. Same goes for the second week. From the third week on, my parents didn't expect me home for dinner. Now, they consider their nest empty. I hope you get that reference. Anyway. We're celebrating our two month anniversary next week, and we officially live together.

About the fifth time we had sex, Jason whispered between moans, I wish we had a strap-on. And now we do. And I love fucking him. There's something empowering about having a penis...even if it is made of silicon.

Today at work, I had a total lesbian moment. Jason noticed me flirting with this girl. I totally was. And he walks over to me after the girl leaves and says, "So that's your type of dyke." I retorted, "And you're my type of fag." It's funny cause it's true.

Anyway, this was supposed to be longer, but I gotta go. Jason's coming home in about 40 mins, and I gotta shave. I decided to look like a complete whore when he gets here. So I did my makeup really whoreish, and I'm gonna shave and put on slutty clothes.

Oh how quickly things change.

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 07:06:20 GMT

It boggles my mind to think about how two months ago, I led a completely different life. Two months ago, I was in a long-distance relationship with a boy I slightly despised. Two months ago, I considered myself single-ish. I lived with my parents two months ago. Two months ago, I hadn't had sex in eight months. Two months ago, my favorite past-time was watching porn, and my best friend was my vibrator.

If you read my journal reguarly, you're probably aware that my current life is so much different. What I have now is the opposite of a long-distance relationship. I live and work with my boyfriend. Now, I haven't not had sex in a month-and-a-half. Seriously, guys, everyday for 1.5 months. Now, my favorite past-times are smoking weed and conversations with Jason. Both at the same time? Even better. And now the only time a vibrator is involved, it's in someone else's hand.

I'm high right now, by the way. Before I took my first bong-hit of the night though, Jason turned to me and said, "Do you think ants worship us?"

"I never really thought about it."

And then Jason went into this five-minute monologue about how humans worshiped volcanoes when we had primitive minds like ants do. And how humans to ants are great providers and great destroyers. After he finished, I just smiled at him and told him I love him. Told him how smart and dorky he is. Told him that when he gets home from his mom's house (he's going to print his resume) to wake me up so we could fuck. I'm working at 7am and need sleep, or else I would go with him. His mom's cool. She's an ex-hippie, current teacher.
I gotta go, cus I'm high and don't know if I'm making sense anymore. And I'm really tired.

I'm glad we're not the only ones keeping the neighborhood awake.

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 05:04:41 GMT

The couple next door has almost as much sex as Jason and I do, almost as loudly. But we still win. :)

An S&M lesson.

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 04:05:11 GMT

I ditched work a few hours early today. Don't feel well. Have a low fever. Phlegm. Sore throat. Headache. You know the deal. I asked to go home because I stopped being able to feel my legs. And I think I should lie down. And drink some water. I'm gonna go to sleep in a little bit.

Jason will be home in about 3 hours. Gives me time for a good long nap. And then I just want to cuddle with him. Hold him, feel his arms around me. Whisper in his ear. Just like last night. Except last night after the cuddling, I made him my bitch. Don't think that'll happen tonight. We've been playing rough lately. I'm usually a bottom. I like to be dominated, slapped around a bit. We did things a little differently last night.

But first, a lesson in sado-masochism.

Sadism: The deriving of sexual gratification or the tendency to derive sexual gratification from inflicting pain or emotional abuse on others.

Masochism: The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused.

Jason is a masochist. He likes pain. He likes to be dominated. I, on the other hand, am a bit of both. I like pain, and I like inflicting pain. It's kind of a struggle to get Jason to abuse me though. I find myself asking, "Pull my hair, scratch me, bite me, spank me." It got really intense last night, though. We got in a belt fight. We both have welts. And we wrestled naked. Not like, cute tickle-fight though. We roughed each other up.

It was fun.

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 20:18:48 GMT

We got paid yesterday, so Jason took me out to dinner. God, independent living is expensive. I never knew how much buying my own groceries would cost me. I find myself struggling with money. Nothing's being saved anymore. I just keep thinking, I have a car payment due the middle of this month, and I wont get paid again for two weeks. I guess the good news is, Jason pays for virtually everything when he has money (which isn't often). But he's got a lead on a really promising job. Pike security is hiring and they start at $10/hour. Plus, he talks with these guys all the time at work and he's got two personal recommendations from them. It's looking pretty good for him. For me though, I haven't even started looking for a new job. It's a daunting task. I'm not looking forward to this at all.

I'm getting back on the pill. And Jason and I are getting tested. Because condoms are costing us more than gas. We fuck so often.

It's amazing how things can change so drastically, so quickly. Just two months ago, I was single and living at home with my parents. And in those two months, I've fallen in love, considered moving to Texas, am living with a boy, want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm dizzy in love. Dizzy. I love him so much, I can't see my life without him. Can't and wont. I never want to be without him again.

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 19:41:21 GMT

I was so high last night. Oh my fuck. I'm only just starting to remember. Weed doesn't alter my memory, it's just that I woke up and was outta the apartment in about 10 mins and have been too busy to think about it. I had the talk with Jason about going with him to Houston. I had kept it to myself until last night because I didn't know if I really wanted to do this...and I didn't want him to hope for something or convince me to do something I wasn't sure I wanted to do.

But when he rejected my sexual advances because we had chores to do I started crying. "What are you thinking about, Sara. Be honest with me. Tell me what's on your mind."

"I'm trying to squeeze a lifetime with you into less than a year."

He held me for a while after that. I pulled away and said, "Jason, I love you. And I want to be with you. At this point in my life, I don't care where I love you."

He seemed really happy that I'd be willing to do that so I could be with him. And then he said, "I think you would hate Texas."

After a good laugh, he recovered himself by saying that he could see that as a possiblilty. And: He might not be leaving anyway. And: There's so many reasons for him to stay. And: It's complicated. And: He's confused.

But we'll see what happens.